I created this story for myself of never needing help from anybody.
For as long as I can remember - my mom used tell me to be strong and independent. Work hard, build something for myself and never have to depend on anyone. She meant it with the greatest heart and just wanted to raise me with strong, good hearted intention. For some reason that resonated with me much deeper than I realized.
While it did build me with strength, it has it's negative repercussions as well. I became so independent to the point of blocking out emotion, never being vulnerable and never asking for help even when really needed because well, that was just "weak".
Up until this year, I couldn't say the words "I Love You". Even if I wanted to say it, I would feel my throat and chest tighten and create this block - I just couldn't say the words. And my "independence" pushed me away from any form of love.
The past year has been a serious struggle of having to dig deep and just acknowledge that it's just bullshit. I can't say it's been easy - because I've been an absolute wreck.
WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE FEELINGS THAT I FEEL?!
So i'm learning to sit with them and acknowledge them. I'm learning that friends and family are there to lean on, because no matter how heavy the shit is - the strong ones are always there for you unconditionally.
Love is one of the most powerful emotions we experience because it digs so much deeper than just extending to others - and if I'm going to be working on these things I need to start with a lot of love and compassion for myself. So I'm starting every day with saying "I love you" to myself, because I'm worthy of it.
No matter what you think, how shitty your days are, when you get into a tiff with your boyfriend, when your boss tells you to re-do that project, when you look into the mirror and just don't believe it. You're worthy of love.
We all are.